Letter to my sun, moon and star

My dear children

Its been a life time since i last saw you both, held you and stood in your presence, but its been everyday that you have both been in my thoughts my prayers and in my heart.

I have tried to find the words, the emotions to explain to you, how i feel about you both, not seeing you both and not being able to the mother that i want to be to you both.

To use the word regret seems almost wrong, but there is no other word i can find right now that i can use to simplify my feelings.

There is a history to this story, for which you will only know one side, and i regret that.

But i could notstay any longer. And there is only one reason why i could not stay, and I regret that.

I am sorry that i cannot forgive and let go of the hate that i feel, and i pray that you will never have to go through it to understand what I mean. To forgive on this instance will go against everything i believe in and i cannot do that.

I love you both so much and miss yo both so mucn, and it hurts me to see the parts of you that miss me. I wish there was no wall between us, and i could love you both freely and without restriction or abuse. I wish i could be there when you wake and before you go to sleep, i wish i could be there for all the moments that count, and teach you all the great things i know and take you on adventures that will help you grow,

but i can't, and i regret that.

I regret the mistake i made, when i fooled my self, and thought things would be different. I became weak trying to fight so hard for a perfect family. I realised that when only one person is working towards something and the other person does not want it, they will make your life hell, make you suffer and in the end make you weak.

I regret this whole situation - and believe me, my children, my heart bleeds everyday for you both as this is not the life i had planned for you both. I regret the stupid choice i made.

I write this, as i dont want you think that i have for a second stopped thinking about you both, i will never. i see you when my eyes are closed and open.

I think about you both growing up without me and i regret that. I wish things could be different but they will never be.

I pray that allah will bring you both to me, and i pray on that day, we are able to talk freely, laugh freely and be free of the one thing that makes us all suffer.

I hate myself for not being stronger, and dealing with the situation better and I hate myself for getting angry over irrelevant people and not allowing my eyes to see past the obvious and allowing myself to get caught up in a very stupid situation.

i know it will be sometime before you understand and forgive me. i know it will be while before we can sit and eat again as a family, but i know allah is watching over you and he is listening to my prayers and i know that for me, he will take care of you.

I am sorry that you both get left for others to look after you and yo both are not treated properly, i wish i could make it stop, but i can't and i regret that.

there is so much my children, i want to say, my heart burns with things i cannot say.

just remember that my love for you is unconditional - even though i have not shown it well.

your brother misses you and i wish we could all be together again.

i pray to allah to make the pain stop for all of us and to change the one thing that makes us suffer, but for now please know this.....

i love you both, always will and always have and i pray for the day i see you both again............