You ever get those times when you wonder where your life has gone, and wonder about the missed opportunities, the failures, the pros the cons, the highs, the lows.....
Well, I am kind of that point right now in my life, when I am taking a minute to reflect on my life, where I am heading and where I have been. in order to know where you are going, we have to take time to see where we have been. In order to assess our failures, we must look at our accomplishments and know that through failure do we learn the best lessons of all.
I cannot say for a minute that i regret or hate my life, at this stage and age, i have grown to accept that not always can we have what we always want, because for whatever reason only the divine knows, some things are just not right for us or our growth.
In the recent months, or should i be more precise, in this year, i have learnt alot about me.At the beginning of the year, i embarked on a journey, knowing that i had to leave alot of my past behind in order to allow myself to move forward. I always held myself back and in the end became frustrated and knew that the only person able to resolve the issues was myself. I decided to dig deep and unravel all the things i had hidden away.
its not been an easy journey. The process has been painful and made me shake to my core. Accepting certain painful things in ones life is probably one of the hardest emotional and mental rollercoasters, one could ever go on, but, and this is a bog but, this is the best decision i have ever made for myself. You have to face your demons, your insecurities, your fears and mainly your failures and accept that these are not abnormal, but all apart of self growth.
Awhile back, i was involved in a pretty abusive relationship, but when i realised that i had placed myself there for far too long, it was easy to get out and be adamant to be kinder to myself. I realised that i had gone from one form of abuse to another and then onto another, because this was all i knew, and even though i was terribly unhappy, i had no idea how to break the circle. I ended up losing out. i ended up not being fair on myself and sacrificed alot. When you start questioning yourself, your mental state and keep yourself in a situation where 99 percent of your time is spent in pure turmoil just for that 1 percent of happiness, then the question remains, are you insane?!
I became insane, i allowed myself to become insane because, i allowed alot of unhealthy people, situations and decisions become me. And we all are guilty of this, especially when we feel that we have the ability to change situations, people and circumstances for the better....but infact we cannot. We only make things worse, bu constantly fighting the losing battle and making ourselves sick.
When we do this to ourselves, we have to become self aware. When we hang onto unhealthy situations, we have to address the real root of the cause and why we find pleasure and comfort in our own misery. Why do we allow unhealthy people surround us and hope that we can make them healthy...
This year, i lost a few close friends, and one in particular who i cherished alot. His passing has made me realise that life is for living, and not for giving. Not for giving away just that easily.
Our ancestors fought for our freedom, but yet we are all to willing to give the freedom up and sell our souls because of fear. Fear to be alive.
Where i am right now in my life, is just to be free. Free to breathe, free to think, free to love, free to laugh, free to cry, free to be ME and today i can honestly say, ia m the happiest i have ever been. I have nothing particular amzing happening, i have not won the lottery nor have i accomplished my dream goal, but to be honest, to be internally happy and be happy with me, the good, the bad and the ugly, and to be able to speak my mind, tell someone to "fuck off" without even thinking twice, is the best goal i have achieved. I am at a place where i am absolutely happy with my own company, my own being, whether i am over weight, underweight, whether i have a man or not, whether i have the latest designer clothes, a car etc i am happy.
I have a home, not a house, but a home, a place to call my own, where i can surround myself with all the little things that make me happy, where i can go to when i seek tranquility. I may not have all that my heart desires, but this is the first time in my life i can truly say, i am at peace. i am not scared to be judged by mortal as i have learnt the art of seeing further than they can see, seeing them in their reality and not passing judgment but just confidently look them in the eye and say, what can you do for me or what have you done that makes you better than me?
Learning to shrug your shoulders and walk on even when they throw stones, is the best feeling ever....
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